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In pool when I play it, there is a certain shot where to get the ball to pocket I have to hit it with a certain amount of force. Any less force and my control isn’t good enough and the ball doesn’t make it to the hole or angels away. However the amount of force I need to get the ball to the hole is too much, and the ball hits the back of the pocket and bounces out. So what I need to get the ball to the hole keeps the ball out of it.

I’m not sure if this is irony, Alanis irony or something else entirely.

I’ve noticed, I have this same issue with girls. Not holing balls, so to speak, but with getting them to like me. (Bear with me, I’m not going off on a myopic one I promise)

Girls generally like me most of all when I am “cool sevitz”^tm. Cool sevitz is fun and funky and quite entertaining to hang out with. My first gf I don’t even remember meeting the first time, but she remembered me. Because I was cool sevitz. (There’s a longer story in that that explains the details but it’s far less interesting). I might even go so far as to say non-girls like cool sevitz too, but who knows (who cares? do non-girls count as far as coolness counts?)

However if I like a girl, I turn into love-sick-puppy ( a term not coined by me, nor about me, but fits all the same). As love-sick-puppy I turn into gormless-idiot-sevitz. I over compensate complete. If you think you can over compensate, I can out over compensate you before breakfast without coffee. Add to that a healthy chunky dose of over thinking, a mix of total general idiocy and occasionally a sprinkling of psycho-ex-boyfriend and it’s really no wonder I am single.

I’d like to think this is somewhat endearing but I suspect it’s more enduring.

So what I really need to do for a girl to like me, is not like them. Which is a bit like my pool example above. What normally happens, if I manage to pull that off is the girl starts by liking me. i don’t like her back. And then we go through a changing of positions where i start to like her, and turn into love-sick-puppy and she gets over the liking me bit pretty quickly. Worse is once a girl has seen you as love-sick-puppy, there’s pretty much no going back. You’ve screwed the pooch (perhaps not the best turn of phrase here, but I like it. Not the pooch, the phrase).

So what I need to figure out is how to like girls without liking them.

Hmm, bollocks.

As part of the sevitz 2.0 upgrade program (a better sevitz for me, a better sevitz for everyone) I’m trying a lifestyle change in the mornings.

• Not setting an alarm¹
• Waking up whenever
• Going to the gym
• Getting into the office whenever²

I made the decision partly because I needed change, partly because I had put a stone on that I wasn’t happy about³ and partly because I think I might be more productive if I’m working out.

So far after 11 gym sessions in 11 days, I’m feeling better about life, healthier (even if I don’t look like Nadal ⁴. I’m not sure if I’m more productive, but I’m I figure I’m as least as productive.

However the bigger change is I feel more relaxed ⁵ at work. I’ve broken the pattern of “alarm goes off, look at time, feel tired, talk myself out of going to the gym, get into the office by 8, work till 8, feel like I’ve gone through a wringer, feel like shit, feel exhausted, feel unmotivated⁶”.

I realise that I probably have more flexible work hours than most. But I definitely think most companies would benefit by having employees in the gym at 9am than the office. For the most part. And if I’m going to consider leaving the office by 8, a good day^TM, then I might as well hit the treadmill/weights first off.

Lets just hope it turns me into looking like Nadal⁷.

_________________________

¹ Ok, it’s set for 8:35am, but I’ve not been woken up by it yet.

² This is normally between 9:15 and 10am, averaging closer to 9:15 than 10.

³ Last year I lost a stone through stress. This year I put a stone on through stress. Go Figure.

⁴ Yet!

⁵ Read, less stressed

⁶ Add your own adjectives here

⁷ Is it wrong that I might be sexually attracted to him. I can be straight and attracted to him right?

I walk through the city as it wakes,
as it stretches is arms and rubs it's eyes,
during that magical hours when its still, innocent, tranquil.

I get to the lake front and let the sun wash over me,
I open my arms, and tilt my head back,
God is djing and my iPod plays the soundtrack to my thoughts,

I realise what it is I am looking for as I walk along the water,
A connection,
Someone who walking beside me,
listening to their soundtrack,
not talking, not holding hands, just being there,
shares that experience with me.

And those two individual experiences are altered,
changed,
shared.

And that's what I'm looking for in life,
that same shared experience
of two individual experiences
with someone
not subject to any rules.

All the rest is details.

Summer starts and you get scratchy eyes, and start sneezing. So you take some anti-histamines and you feel worse then next day so you take some more and by day three you realise that you really have a summer cold, and you have been taking the wrong meds.

Same symptoms, different cause.

And the problem is, how can you tell the difference. Ok medically I'm sure with a blood sample you could see histamines or a virus in the blood and tell the difference (or whatever, I'm an engineer not a doctor). Without that however, a cold for me and hayfever start off exactly the same, and bolloxed if I can tell the difference.

I see this as a way of trying to understand my emotions too. Or trying to find context for my emotions. And it's really fucking confusing. If I can feel the same emotion for two separate things. Two different causes, how can I tell which cause resulted in the emotion.

After the break-up with Jose I was quite upset for a while. Was this because I actually loved her, or just because I missed her (slash felt rejected slash wanted something I couldn't have slash whatever). Of course this is made more complex by me not knowing what the fuck love is. I mean I know what a cold is, even if I don't have one. Love is a bit harder to pin down, and seems to be different for everyone. A bit like the word good. What's a good book depends entirely on you and there is no real definition for it, that's hard and solid and fixed.

And speaking to people doesn't help either. Half my mates say/said "You'll know love when you are in it" which means I wasn't. And the other half say that the level of emotion and upsetness and quite frankly school boy patheticness I showed indicated I was love. Which leads me to believe asking people if you are in love is a stupid question.

I mean that's just an example. But I'm continually questioning my motivations.

I feel for someone, but I can't tell; do I really like her, or am I just jealous?
I'm angry, but I can't tell; is it because I think I made the wrong choice, or is it because I lost out?
I'm upset, bit I can't tell; is it because I've failed to achieve my goals, or is it because my goals where unobtainable.

If my emotional state is the same in both cases, how can I tell which is which. It's confusing, and ultimately not all that helpful. Also it's quite tiring.

I guess like the blood test could show above the cold/hayfever issue, an MRI scan could show up some of these answers. A bit tough to take one on a date though.

I wonder if non engineers think about things like this?

"It'll happen when you least expect it".

I mean what does this mean? When do I least expect it? I'd love to know. I mean I don't expect it all right now.

Although ... you know .... sometimes I do feel I'm owed one.

I've been in the UK for 10 years now. How long do you think I've been single for .... 8.5 of those years. And I was single for before I came here, but lets pretend that time didn't exist.

My best mate got divorced and remarried between my girlfriends. Another mate got dumped whilst he was engaged. Another one just came out of a 6 yearer and is seeing someone new already (6 months on). Another one was seeing a long termer. She cheated, they broke up. Now married. This list goes on.

And I do things where people meet people. For example I went boarding by myself over Christmas. Met a great bunch of people. Including several girls. One of the guys I met is now dating one of the girls I met.

And I kind of think ... hang on ... why is that not me.

[This is the bit where all the doubt creeps in]

Either something is wrong with me, or I'm doing something wrong. Or possibly both.

I mean, either girls don't like me, or I'm the nice friend or whatever, but somethings not clicking.

Or I'm doing something wrong. Am I too persistent. Am I not persistent enough. Did one of the times not happen because I didn't drop the girl a line and say "hey how goes it". Or did I drop a line too soon?

Or possibly I've just never met the right one. But also possible I have met right ones, but screwed it up. Equally possible.

Finding the spine of a story like “Out of Africa” was important to Sydney for many reasons, the most important of which was that it led to what he called “the ache.” The ache is self-explanatory if you’ve seen Sydney’s films. It is the ache of having one chance at deep love in a lifetime of shallow loves, and losing it too early. It is the ache of perfect, private union destroyed by terrible, worldly circumstance. For Sydney, the ache was about the way that the things we hold most dear always elude us. - REMEMBERING SYDNEY POLLACK (The New Yorker)

I'm not sure when I least expect it. But I kind of figured I'm now owed one. At least statistically speaking.