Interesting evening last night. Lots of observations from someone who knows me very well. My ex, Leora.

Went to visit a friend (Lon) who was here from the USA visiting family of his wife's. Leora wanted to come along to see Lon, and I was glad she did, because I didn’t get on with his wife when I last saw them and felt rather uncomfortable. It was good seeing Lon, and Leora being there definitely made things easier.

But that’s not why the night was interesting. Petunia phoned while I was in the car. She was going to call earlier, but she left work later than she expected. I was really glad she called but it was difficult conversation as we both were on stretches of road with poor signal and that really stunts a conversation. I also then started getting badly lost and it was difficult trying to concentrate on both things. It was a pity as I really wanted to talk to her. But circumstance being it was made it tough.

Also I think we literally passed each other on the same highway, and then when coming home my route took me through the area she was in. So close yet so far. Frustrating.

Anyway Leora and I talked a lot both in the car there and back and during dinner. It was really great reminiscing with her about old times and us and talking about why we where good and why we weren’t and what we learnt from each other and why we both felt we where better people today for dating.

I also talked a lot about Petunia. At one point when I had dropped her at home and we where sitting on the wall looking at the river at night and Tower Bridge all lit up, she laughed and said "man, you are so love struck".

This really got me thinking. Leora and I dated and where involved in some way or another for a long time. She probably knows me emotionally better than most. She's knows what emotions I have when taken with someone.

More interestingly, was the statement didn't really surprise me at all.

The view from my balcony. Sometimes nature says it all. It's dark and black and has a slash of light showing contrast. And contrast makes it all. It is it all.

meThank God Tomorrow's Friday
meThank Fuck It's Thursday?
dewiThank Fuck It's Tomorrow

Relationship is defined as

re•la•tion•ship (r-lshn-shp) n.
  1. The condition or fact of being related; connection or association.

  2. Connection by blood or marriage; kinship.

  3. A particular type of connection existing between people related to or having dealings with each other.

  4. A romantic or sexual involvement.

What's interesting is that no where in the definition does it say anything about the physical. This is interesting, as lately I have felt like I am in a relationship. I have enjoyed this feeling even though it has been somewhat frustrating as I am no technically in a relationship.

There is however a definite connection between me and Petunia. I do think we have a romantic and sexual involvement. I am attracted to her sexually as well as emotionally. Just because the physical and quantifiable aspects of what would govern a normal relationship are not there, I am finding the lines (at least in my head) are getting quite blurry as why this isn’t a relationship.

I have the same feeling I would have had had she been single or had she been my girlfriend. I miss her when I am not speaking to her, I am jealous, I worry about her, I want to make her feel better when she is down, and I want to hug her and hold her and tell her everything will be ok. I want to cook dinner for her and have silly conversations after two much red wine, and go for breakfasts with her on the weekend.

I understand that part of this is a desire and not what makes a relationship. But part of it are the emotions I would have in a relationship. It was part of what I enjoyed when I was dating Leora, and Kimmie and Lexy. It's that feeling inside of being connected to someone. I don't get that feeling often. It's when you someone is on your mind when you fall asleep and still there when you wake up.

There are so many other aspects that make me feel like I am in a relationship. We talk a lot. Yeah its online or over SMS, but its long and continual. We spoke till 5am on Sunday morning on the phone. The last time this was happening was when Leora and I where in one of our "off" periods. Until we realised we where actually dating and got back together.

Can one be in a romantic relationship that they are not actually in? If so am I?

Fuck me its cold outside. And me with no beanie. Very much the chilly.

On an unrelated note I had a fairly random dream about Lexy last night. She was swimming in a pool. Weird. I can only attribute it to seeing some pictures of her on my random photo before I went to sleep. Guess my mind is rather an easy target.





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