Sleep - 5 hours, Food â€“ 2 meals, Alcohol units â€“ 3 jugs of cocktails between 2, Cigs â€“ 3, Craved Cigs â€“ 5, Mood Swings â€“ 8, Self Esteem - Low, Self Loathing â€“ Extremely Very High, Sapness Rating â€“ Loser, Irrational fear of ducks â€“ 0, Irrational fear of dying alone - 1
So back at work today. I feel like this like a hole in the head. Especially since I did expenses today and there were all things like taxiâ€™s and trains to Guilford and meals together that I had to deal with. Did not plan on feeling this way. Donâ€™t think I deserver to feel this way. Think I deserved better than I got. The ironies of the situation are still killing me. Somebody up there is fucking with my head. Cleaned up my room yesterday from the weekend. Couldnâ€™t face it up to this point. Chucked out a lot of stuff that was or would make me think of things I donâ€™t want to think about. Put the blues on really loud while I did this (BB King / John Lee Hooker). Blues are cool. Been avoiding the radio. Mates have all been really great. I been doing a lot of staring into space. Hate that. Am acting like such a looser. Hate that. Need to snap out of things, but I just feel like I was used. I know I wasnâ€™t but the emotion I feel is the same as when I have been used. Intellect is failing to over ride emotion at the moment.