Sleep - 5 hours, Food – 2 meals, Alcohol units – 3 jugs of cocktails between 2, Cigs – 3, Craved Cigs – 5, Mood Swings – 8, Self Esteem - Low, Self Loathing – Extremely Very High, Sapness Rating – Loser, Irrational fear of ducks – 0, Irrational fear of dying alone - 1

So back at work today. I feel like this like a hole in the head. Especially since I did expenses today and there were all things like taxi’s and trains to Guilford and meals together that I had to deal with. Did not plan on feeling this way. Don’t think I deserver to feel this way. Think I deserved better than I got. The ironies of the situation are still killing me. Somebody up there is fucking with my head. Cleaned up my room yesterday from the weekend. Couldn’t face it up to this point. Chucked out a lot of stuff that was or would make me think of things I don’t want to think about. Put the blues on really loud while I did this (BB King / John Lee Hooker). Blues are cool. Been avoiding the radio. Mates have all been really great. I been doing a lot of staring into space. Hate that. Am acting like such a looser. Hate that. Need to snap out of things, but I just feel like I was used. I know I wasn’t but the emotion I feel is the same as when I have been used. Intellect is failing to over ride emotion at the moment.

Sleep - 16 hours in 4 days, Food - Not much, Self Esteem - Beyond Low, Self Loathing - Very High, Sapness Rating - Super Sap

God I am such a sap. I am always the guy at the bar buying girls drinks why that snog other guys. I put myself in situations to get hurt and I get hurt and wonder why. Why do I always look to give other people what they want, but never myself? Why I let people get into my blood I do not know. c.f. Alice Cooper / Poison. I'm getting to old for this shit, and nothing ever changes. I don't even think giving up is an option, but I can tell you I have had enough of being fucked over cause I am a nice guy. Nice guys finish last, aint that the truth. What did steven king say. Anything with tits or wheels will give you problems, Well I am writing that chapter big time. Just once I want some one to deal me decent cards. Anyway, signing off before I start sounds like a rambling miserbale sap. Oh no too late.

Well my car is now set for the 2nd of August. Not a happy day for me.

Okey dokey. Look's like my code is all done. woo hee. Can finally go home. Not a good day today. Work went really bad (now fixed - 10:02pm), car still hasn't arrived (it was meant to do so today) and something else on my mind that kept distracting me the whole day. Oh well, shall see what fortunes the upcoming week brings me.

My other word of the day is avatar !!

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