Sleep - 5 hours, Food – 2 meals, Alcohol units – 3 jugs of cocktails between 2, Cigs – 3, Craved Cigs – 5, Mood Swings – 8, Self Esteem - Low, Self Loathing – Extremely Very High, Sapness Rating – Loser, Irrational fear of ducks – 0, Irrational fear of dying alone - 1
So back at work today. I feel like this like a hole in the head. Especially since I did expenses today and there were all things like taxi’s and trains to Guilford and meals together that I had to deal with. Did not plan on feeling this way. Don’t think I deserver to feel this way. Think I deserved better than I got. The ironies of the situation are still killing me. Somebody up there is fucking with my head. Cleaned up my room yesterday from the weekend. Couldn’t face it up to this point. Chucked out a lot of stuff that was or would make me think of things I don’t want to think about. Put the blues on really loud while I did this (BB King / John Lee Hooker). Blues are cool. Been avoiding the radio. Mates have all been really great. I been doing a lot of staring into space. Hate that. Am acting like such a looser. Hate that. Need to snap out of things, but I just feel like I was used. I know I wasn’t but the emotion I feel is the same as when I have been used. Intellect is failing to over ride emotion at the moment.
