Just to start with a caveat, I’m not talking about your kids. I’m sure yourkids are wonderful and angelic. I’m also not talking about your wedding. I’m sure you are very accommodating.
Right now I’m on the wedding circuit. Apparently I’m at that age. I had a bunch last year and I’m 4 down out of 5 in 3 months at the moment where the last weekends of my life have been stag do, stag do, stag do, wedding, wedding. And it’s not that I don’t love you, but enough already. I can’t afford you.
That aside, being at so many weddings in a packed timespace, and being a blogger, leads you to observe watch and mentally write blog posts during the vows. I mean canapés.
So kids … at weddings.
I don’t blame kids. I really don’t. I also don’t believe kids below a certain age (I’m going to stick a finger in the air and say 6, but any parental units out there who want to correct me please do so) don’t have the ability to understand what’s really going on at the wedding, or to sit still, or to keep quiet.
Of course they don’t. They’re kids. In fact I think their must be something behavioural in the requirement to be quiet makes them want to be noisy (which they do). Because they’re perfectly quiet before and after the ceremony, but I’ve yet to go to a wedding where they can maintain angelic silence throughout. There’s variance of course, from mildly disturbing, to shut your fucking kid up, but it’s always disturbing.
Now I understand that being a parent (hi folks) you have a tendency to switch off the air pollution of your own children. And hell I understand when you’re our in public and Little Junior goes off on one, these things happen. But at a wedding, during a ceremony, …. come on …. what did you think was going to happen.
It’s near like clock work. Everyone files into the church/notchurch and sits down and talks and chats. Some hidden sign is sent that the bride is coming and a crowd falls silent whilst some blokes nudges another and makes a comment about that being the end of for [name of friend]and that’s the last time [name of friend] is getting a blowjob. (No that person is not me). Bridge comes, and a zillion compact cameras go off (separate rant) whilst everyone ooh-aahs and comments how lovely the bride is (but did you see what she made the bride’s maids wear) etc etc.
About 5 minutes into the bit about some poem about some thing about love and petals and preciousness, the kids get set off. So if you’re someone easily distracted by sounds (trust me, ask my office, I’m sensitive to noises) you can hear the next 5 minutes of “sssh. …. sssssshhhh …. come one we talked about this ….. sssssssh”. Then if you’re lucky you only spend the rest of the ceremony listening one half of the couple taking junior outside, getting junior to quiet down, and bringing junior back in. In which Junior goes off again. If you’re unlucky as I have been at one of my weddings, I missed just about every word that was said, to listen to a kid make kid noises for the entire ceremony.
You know, if I’m blowing somewhere around half a ski trip to a skip trip attending a wedding, I’D LIKE TO HEAR THE DAMN THING. If I spent the whole ceremony whispering or talking on my phone I’d be told to shut the fuck up. And rightly so.
So solutions (I’m not just a ranter). Ideally I’d suggest, weddings aren’t places for kids of a certain age, and don’t bring them. But this is
I would want friends of mine to attend even if they couldn’t get a baby sitter
So what I would suggest is, arrange for a nanny and form a mini crèche in a room near the wedding if possible (or outside if the weather is good). Then all the parentals can drop of their kids in the creche and enjoy the wedding, as can everyone else who doesn’t have kids or just likes to hear the vows instead of constant murbling. If you don’t want to leave your kid with the nanny or child minder, then you can stay in the creche with the kids your self. If it was me, because I’m a geek I would set up a camera and broadcast it to the creche for those wont leave their urchins in the hands of another. But not everyone is a geek, so for most cases I would say the choice is yours. Attend the ceremony and leave your kind with a qualified child minder / nanny person for 45 minutes or miss the ceremony.
The only person crying during the vows should be the bride (or groom). Not Junior Jack.