Summer starts and you get scratchy eyes, and start sneezing. So you take some anti-histamines and you feel worse then next day so you take some more and by day three you realise that you really have a summer cold, and you have been taking the wrong meds.
Same symptoms, different cause.
And the problem is, how can you tell the difference. Ok medically I'm sure with a blood sample you could see histamines or a virus in the blood and tell the difference (or whatever, I'm an engineer not a doctor). Without that however, a cold for me and hayfever start off exactly the same, and bolloxed if I can tell the difference.
I see this as a way of trying to understand my emotions too. Or trying to find context for my emotions. And it's really fucking confusing. If I can feel the same emotion for two separate things. Two different causes, how can I tell which cause resulted in the emotion.
After the break-up with Jose I was quite upset for a while. Was this because I actually loved her, or just because I missed her (slash felt rejected slash wanted something I couldn't have slash whatever). Of course this is made more complex by me not knowing what the fuck love is. I mean I know what a cold is, even if I don't have one. Love is a bit harder to pin down, and seems to be different for everyone. A bit like the word good. What's a good book depends entirely on you and there is no real definition for it, that's hard and solid and fixed.
And speaking to people doesn't help either. Half my mates say/said "You'll know love when you are in it" which means I wasn't. And the other half say that the level of emotion and upsetness and quite frankly school boy patheticness I showed indicated I was love. Which leads me to believe asking people if you are in love is a stupid question.
I mean that's just an example. But I'm continually questioning my motivations.
I feel for someone, but I can't tell; do I really like her, or am I just jealous?
I'm angry, but I can't tell; is it because I think I made the wrong choice, or is it because I lost out?
I'm upset, bit I can't tell; is it because I've failed to achieve my goals, or is it because my goals where unobtainable.
If my emotional state is the same in both cases, how can I tell which is which. It's confusing, and ultimately not all that helpful. Also it's quite tiring.
I guess like the blood test could show above the cold/hayfever issue, an MRI scan could show up some of these answers. A bit tough to take one on a date though.
I wonder if non engineers think about things like this?
1. Adrian
I’m in Chicago from tomorrow, so you lot can expect a break from the myopic shit for about a week at least.
2. Matt
Dude.
I don’t know whether or not you were in love with Jose, you’re really the only person qualified to say if you were or not, and you seem to think you weren’t. The fact that you’re still talking and thinking about her makes me think that you might have been, but still don’t realise that (or maybe you don’t want to admit it, because it’ll make you feel worse…).
You’re hung up on the past, and that’s negatively affecting the way you think now.
3. Adrian
This isn’t actually about the past, as an inability to discern causes when the effect is the same.
The only real relation to the past is the effect it has on me now. If I didn’t know then, if I still don’t know about then, then how can I tell now what the cause of an emotion is with other people when it can come from multiple causes.
4. Stuart
Love is analogue.
The threshold comes when you yourself, rightly or wrongly in anyone else’s eyes, decide to call what you’re feeling ‘love’.
You might decide you were ‘right’ and not revise the opinion your whole life…you might decide in time that you were wrong after a few weeks, months or years of clarity…things will change, the feeling you call love might change.
It is what it is and what you call it is irrelevant.
Only how you feel and how your perspective changes is relevant.
As for past feelings…let them be. Don’t forget them - check in on them every so often to see how they look these days, but understand they’re in the box marked ‘History’. The best hope you can have in visiting them is to better understand yourself.
I’m sorry you’re feeling a bit maudlin these days matey.
5. cian
It’s kinda like the problem Dr House has each week for about 24 weeks in a row. Same sort of symptoms (randomly slow death) and each week a different cause (eating cat poop, missing heart etc).
Interestingly Lupus is always suspected as ‘it is a difficult disease to diagnosis and its symptoms mimic those of many other diseases.’ In the episode ‘It’s Lupus’ - it was, in fact, Lupus.
Maybe you have lupus? I always thought it was werewolfism which would be pretty cool.
6. Chopper
Well you’re probably jealous because you really like her. You lost out because you made the wrong choice. You failed to achieve your goals because they might have been unobtainable.
Likewise with Jose’s departure you were upset due to rejection and desire because you were in love.
Love isn’t some manmade emotion. In fact it’s not even an emotion it’s a biological drive, an evolutionary imperative, so to speak. It follows after initial attraction or lust (finding a suitable mate) and is there to bind you to a single partner for the purposes of advancing the species and protected the litter.
Of course it’s not always like Hollywood. At its lowest level it just manifests itself as missing the person when they are not around, vague insecurities about if they still like you as much as you like them and so forth. So it can stay under the radar if you are expecting some scene out of Romeo and Juliet.
At its peak it can be unbearable to be apart and some are literally willing to die for the other. Which may sound very over the top but when you look at it from an evolutionary and survival standpoint it makes perfect sense.
So why is there such a diversity in the level people experience it? Or rather how does one amplify it? Well the first thing is to break down some of the walls that we think we protect ourselves with. Is it really that embarrassing to say “I love you” first? The other thing I’ve found is that it’s self affirming. Like an addictive drug, the more often you tell them you love them, the more often you want to say it and the stronger it feels.
The other thing I’ve noticed is that it doesn’t actually take long to fall in love. Usually weeks if not days. We just don’t accept it or admit it because we’re scared that might make us appear too keen or it’s not possible. But lust is not the same as love. If you are just attracted to someone you can walk away without a second thought about them.
Of course if it’s days then judge your audience before you tell her or she might run screaming for the hills.