"It'll happen when you least expect it".
I mean what does this mean? When do I least expect it? I'd love to know. I mean I don't expect it all right now.
Although ... you know .... sometimes I do feel I'm owed one.
I've been in the UK for 10 years now. How long do you think I've been single for .... 8.5 of those years. And I was single for before I came here, but lets pretend that time didn't exist.
My best mate got divorced and remarried between my girlfriends. Another mate got dumped whilst he was engaged. Another one just came out of a 6 yearer and is seeing someone new already (6 months on). Another one was seeing a long termer. She cheated, they broke up. Now married. This list goes on.
And I do things where people meet people. For example I went boarding by myself over Christmas. Met a great bunch of people. Including several girls. One of the guys I met is now dating one of the girls I met.
And I kind of think ... hang on ... why is that not me.
[This is the bit where all the doubt creeps in]
Either something is wrong with me, or I'm doing something wrong. Or possibly both.
I mean, either girls don't like me, or I'm the nice friend or whatever, but somethings not clicking.
Or I'm doing something wrong. Am I too persistent. Am I not persistent enough. Did one of the times not happen because I didn't drop the girl a line and say "hey how goes it". Or did I drop a line too soon?
Or possibly I've just never met the right one. But also possible I have met right ones, but screwed it up. Equally possible.
Finding the spine of a story like “Out of Africa” was important to Sydney for many reasons, the most important of which was that it led to what he called “the ache.” The ache is self-explanatory if you’ve seen Sydney’s films. It is the ache of having one chance at deep love in a lifetime of shallow loves, and losing it too early. It is the ache of perfect, private union destroyed by terrible, worldly circumstance. For Sydney, the ache was about the way that the things we hold most dear always elude us. - REMEMBERING SYDNEY POLLACK (The New Yorker)
I'm not sure when I least expect it. But I kind of figured I'm now owed one. At least statistically speaking.
1. Danzor
One of the most important lessons I’ve ever learned, and I still remember with very vivid clarity the moment I learned it, is that the world doesn’t owe you anything. It paid you out a life, and you owe it a death, the one debt in your life that you can always be sure you’ll pay back. Then you’re square. Everything in between those two payments is up to you to generate. The sooner you learn that, the easier life will be.
2. darrenbyrne.wordpress.com
I can’t offer much advice on this. I’ve been with the same girl for the past eight years and am deliriously happy still.
I do believe there is one person (and maybe more) out there for everyone. Be positive, be happy, be open.
3. Pete
What Dan said. Get out there and live your life. If the right girl never turns up, then at least you haven’t wasted it. If she does turn up, then that’s a nice bonus.
If the plan for your life revolves around sharing it with a special someone, then it’s never going to fit together neatly until you meet her. That could be years, it could be never.
4. Ian
Maybe it’s a boy you should be looking for?
You know, just putting it out there. Think about it…
5. Coops
Hey hey Ade. I’m lovin’ these ever constant posts about how crap your love life is. You should set up a club and charge people membership fees ‘cos to be honest, first person who will be there to pay is me… I sometimes think in exactly the same way, but possibly the only difference is that I go out, drink enough alcohol to put a baby elephant into a coma for a week, forget about everything, wake up with a stinking hangover, possibly go to work depending on what day it is, and then kick the cycle off again. We should try it sometime like…
6. Jen
Perhaps the meaning behind those comments can be found here:
http://alexthegirl.com/words/journal/archives/2008/06/post_42.htm
It’s good advice. I know that’s the person I’m attracted to…not the one sizing me up and talking to me with the purpose of hitting on me. That’s not a fun vibe. People are more interesting when they’re interested in their life as it is … and that’s when I get interested.
7. Imelda
My relationship went belly up several months ago but you know what, I’m not moaning at home wondering why. Things happen for a reason and I believe you are what you attract. You gotta change your mindset and just go with the flow. As someone said, just go with the flow and live your life. If a girl comes along, awesome.
If it makes you feel better … the divorce rate is still 50/50! But really, you’re still young and you have loads of time. Just wait … when it happens, it will be so worth the wait. Ok, I’ll shut up now.
8. Adrian
Looking back at the work analogy of the last past, sometimes I do feel a bit like that guy at work who keeps getting passed over promotion. You start to wonder, if it’s the boss or if it’s you.
Sure life owes you nothing, but doesn’t mean one can’t but wonder why that’s not you or why you can’t seem to get a break.
And maybe it is me. Maybe I have got the break, but screwed it up. Maybe there are a heap of girls I’ve passed over where I had my break but I was a dick or cocked it up or was arrogant, or fussy or what not. Maybe I’m complaining about not winning the lottery but not buying a ticket.
And if that is the case the self reflection is good. I might learn something.
If it’s not the case, then I think it’s entirely human to look at couples, to look at relationships, to look at people happy together and say “Hey, I want some of that.” As you move from your twenties to your thirties the difference or switch in friendships and relationships appears to be your friends grow away from you and grow into relationships. I can see the anthology of this. It makes sense.
I do live my life. Well I try to. But I’m also honest enough to myself to admit when sections of it, seem to be not working. I might be stupid enough to overly dwell on it, or normal enough to struggle with it when other aspects of my life are also getting me down.
And as much as I’d love to have no difference mentally or behaviourally with all without a girl (or boy (Ian)) in it. when I’m surrounded by couples by a greater degree than any other time in my life, one can’t help but be aware of the difference.
Difference stands out, when you are the difference from the rest state around you.
9. Joe
Just stumbled on your post - seems like you need simple instructions:
Look - because sitting around and waiting for it to happen means you’re less likely to find soeone When you find someone - make sure you don’t pin your entire happiness on whether that person says yes or no. That’s why people say it happens when you’re not looking, because when you give up, you don’t seem desperate anymore, and in fact you have a life. It’s much easier to fall for someone who’s got things to do. So don’t give up, but think about how you’d feel meeting a girl who you know is hanging on your every word, desperate for you to ask her out, laughs nervously at everything you say hoping you’d like her, for you to do anything with her - are you attracted to this description?
My current girlfriend is a knockout - and it took me months to get her. That involved countless days of forcing myself not to call her. It’s not the end of the world, I had a life and she was’t part of it yet (but I made sure that when we did talk, it made her smile, she enjoyed the experience. Less is more!), ensuring I went out on weekends with others and not her whether she had made plans or not. Even seeing others - when you have several other girls you’re talking to, you’re a lot less desperate. Once there’s a need for the relationship to be more serious, then you can just be honest with all involved and stop seeing them. If anything, it will make you more attractive.
So, in short, lead an interesting life, enjoy the person and make them feel good about themselves in your company, but be a man about it and don’t let them walk all over you (they can buy their own drinks dammit). And hang out with good looking women friends as well. Hope that helps
10. Matt
I agree with Dan and Pete, the world owes you nothing my friend.
But I actually think that these things DO happen when you least expect them to. Sure, you might be constantly on the lookout for a prospective Mrs. Sevitz (without looking like you are looking), but it’s usually the times when you’ve totally given up and just couldn’t be bothered any more that something (someone) will come along.
All I know is (thanks to being in a fabulous relationship for the past four and a half years, which will soon be a fabulous marriage), from the experience of being not even remotely looking for someone, and being uninterested in what women might think of me as a prospective prospect, other than as a conversation partner or a mate, I’ve never talked to, or been talked to by, as many women or had the distinct impression that I was being chatted up. Women are attracted to men who don’t seem like they are only out for one thing.
In my experience.
Maybe you should try making some new girl friends (as opposed to girlfriends) first, with no agenda, and you never know, something might happen. When you least expect it to.
11. The B
Oh, dude, I do feel for you, because I can just see that most of these comments are going to frustrate you (“but I do that already!”) or annoy you (“that’s not true!”) or just reinforce this impression you have of it seeming to work for everyone else and not for you (“it’s all very well for you to say!”). I know this because I’ve had pretty much as many years of feeling this way as you have.
Perhaps part of what it is is that it’s so unpredictable. It’s never going to feel like it’s going to happen until it does happen, so it only feels worse and more desperate the longer it goes on, even though logically, if you could see the future, you’d feel happier as each day passes because you’re closer to it happening: because it will happen, one day, I can guarantee you, you will not be single for the rest of your life. I really hope I won’t be, either, but as soon as I say that I know it’s easier to say than to believe.
I think we need to keep reminding ourselves that a) relationships should not be viewed through rose-tinted spectacles b) it’s not us, because no matter how unfavourable we might be there are even less favourable people who are all coupled up and c) it’s not a goal but a process - I loved hg’s comments on your last post. I’ve never thought about it like that before but he’s so right.
12. Aiden
Adrian, I think you’re over-analysing this. The more you obsess about what you’re doing wrong or what you’re not doing or what’s wrong with you, the more weight this takes on in your mind and the more it will inform everything you do. It’s entirely about seeming desperate. And the only way to stop seeming desperate is to stop being desperate, to put your focus somewhere else.
Here’s some practical advice - pick a new goal to focus on. Clearly you’re itching for something ‘actionable’ to do, so do something. Whether it’s training for a marathon, or planning a holiday, or learning something new, pick something you can focus on for a period of time. Something you’re genuinely interested in, not something that might lead you to meet women. Keep going out and socialising, meeting people, just switch your focus. You’re right, there’s nothing practical or ‘actionable’ you can do to find the right person for a relationship, so put your energy into something else rather than obsessing.
And when you do meet women, do as Hg and Matt suggested and just aim to get to know this person and maybe become friends. Women can always tell when you have an agenda, whether that’s getting laid or getting married or anything in between. Stop writing your wedding speech in your head. They know you’re doing it.
13. Danzor
Firstly: Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Go listen to episode 83 of the Savage Lovecast. There was a woman who was blind, heavily disfigured, and chronically ill, and she sounded more upbeat about dating than you do. Being moody and broody only works if you look like David Boreanaz.
Secondly: Your analogies (it’s a lottery, it’s a promotion from the boss) continue to labor under the delusion that relationships are sort of randomly handed out by the universe and you somehow keep missing your ‘turn’- this is not, as people keep saying, really the case. But more than that, it sort of treats the status of being in a relationship as some sort of desirable state that applies specifically to you, without really paying attention to the fact that a relationship is actually a state that applies to you and one other person, which you are sort of idealizing as ‘when I find this person they will be amazingly great and therefore it’ll be an amazingly great relationship and that will amazingly solve all these sections of my life that are not working’. That’s kind of a heavy expectation. Most relationships begin because people like being happy, having fun, being intruiged. Are you fun? When you meet a new person and you’re interested in them, do you say to yourself: “Hey, here’s someone I’d enjoy having fun with.” or do you say: “Finally! Someone who can fix my whole life! What a relief! I’d better seal this deal with my wittiest quip.” Or do you just say, over and over in your head: “I really want a shag ohGod can’t somebody shag me, you’ll do ohanyone will do ohme ohmy oh toot toot! Jugs.” I dunno. Maybe you think all of these things.
Actually, I’ve kind of lost track of where I was going with this. But the common factor here is not the universe, or women. It’s you. You’ve tried the whole ‘bitching about the universe/women for not handing your desires to you on a platter’ thing for a while now. Years, really. It’s clearly not working out for you. How’s about you try the whole ‘I am going to give up on achieving the all-sacred relationship status and dedicate myself to solving those areas of my life that are not working by then power of my own agency- I am going to dedicate myself to being interesting, and being interested in others, be they male or female’ thing. This is the core of these two sayings that keep pissing you off. You will find when you are not looking. It will happen then, when you are not expecting it to.
¿Entiende?
14. Pete
Heh, I get the feeling that you (Adrian) and Dan have had this conversation a million times already, because the comment above has a kind of easy flow to it that suggests that it’s just being typed from memory :)
He’s absolutely right about the fact that a relationship is not something that you have, it’s something that you share. To paraphrase: Ask not what the perfect girl can do for you, but what you can do for the perfect girl.
Also, “The B” said: “it will happen, one day, I can guarantee you, you will not be single for the rest of your life.” Ignore this sentence, because it’s a lie. Some people remain single for the vast majority of their lives, and it’s possible that you are one of them. I’m not trying to suggest that you are inherently unfanciable, but at present you are unintentionally sabotaging your own chances.
15. Pete
The last paragraph may have been a little vague. I was trying to imply that if you continue to (unintentionally) sabotage your own chances, then you may remain single. I wasn’t trying to suggest that you have passed the point of no return and are now a lost cause - far from it.
16. Adrian
Pete, no worries, completely understood. And you’re right about Me/Dan.
I think the B gets what I am trying to say most. Although I agree with Pete, some people are single and that’s life. And I may land up being single forever. It’s just wishful thinking to assume I wont. I mean I don’t want it to be the case but it’s possible.
Dan/Aiden, et all.
I think it’s normal to be self reflective. You know I am interesting (or at least I think I am). I go out and have fun (or at least I think I do). I don’t go our running after women. In fact if you’ve ever been in a bar with me, sometimes you have to throw me at a girl to get me to talk to her (I’m shy sometimes you know)
But I also feel it’s normal to feel sometimes, that somethings now working out for you. That having being single for 90% of my life, that something is off kilter. Especially when many people seem to be single for 10% of their lifes.
Sure I know life doesn’t really owe me anything. Sure I know their isn’t any sort of relationship karma. Sure I know the universe doesn’t allocate out relationships on a bell curve.
But I’m human too you know. And after a running theme of not having things click (because I do meet girls, and I have snogged girls, etc), it’s not insane for me to wonder, why things aren’t working out, or if it’s something I’m doing wrong.
And it’s not that what I’m doing wrong is solely wondering what it is I might be doing wrong, or that sometimes it feels like the universe is kicking me around. Musing introspectively to my friends or on my blog is not what I discuss with a girl at a party.
But, and the initial point of these two blogs is that friends saying “It’ll happen when you least expect it” or yelling at me for being introspective doesn’t actually help either. And I tend to find people in relationships or people who are not often single tend to view being single or being single continuously differently.
And finally, I still don’t see what is so toxic about me saying, honestly and openly, about myself to myself and to my friends
“You know, I quite like being with someone fun, who I get along with and can do stuff with. I would like more of that companionship in my life as I enjoy having it.”
Which is long hand for saying “I want a girlfriend”. But it’s also being honest about what I feel, and doesn’t prohibit me going out and having a fun time with my friends and doing interesting things. But it’s just an honest reflection and statement on an aspect of my life.
17. The B
Fair dos, it’s true and I accept that too - I think what I was trying to say was not that everyone ends up happily married but that it is, at least, extremely unlikely that you’ll never have a girlfriend ever again. Whether that state will be permanent is another matter, of course, but let’s not get even more depressing than we have already!
18. Aiden
You’re being incredibly defensive, and I don’t think it’s warranted. I don’t believe that anyone here has yelled at you, or suggested that you are toxic, insane, inhuman or abnormal for reflecting on your life. Of course introspection is normal, or there wouldn’t be a word for it. However, it can also tend to be unhealthy in large doses, and I think that’s all anyone here has been trying to say. All I’ve seen is a lot of sound, caring advice from people who clearly want you to be happy. Try to skip over the defensiveness and think about what they’re really telling you.
19. cian
“It’ll happen when you least expect it”.
I wouldn’t tell a girl this. She’ll end up carrying a tazer and putting a restraining order on you.
20. Craig Sherman
Ok so here is the truth - you are doing stuff wrong. I suspect this is no great surprise to you but what may be a surprise to you is that I know what it is! What may also be a surprise is that I’m prepared to say….but only if you promise to listen…..it won’t be the easiest conversation and you will probably try and argue with me - but it’s not about the argument or if it’s hard to say, its about trying to help a friend.
If that sounds like what you want to hear….then its time to call 0800-sherman.