Ill. Sick. Run down. Dreams of nausea. Dreams of throwing up. Wake up. Not sure if I threw up or dreamt it. Still not 100% sure. Feel awful. Drag myself to the bath. Drag myself to bed. Feel awful. Lying in bed. In a towel. Oh god what's that. It's massive. I'm going to die, it's going to eat my children. Leap into the air. Panic. Try not to throw up. It's so big. Grab steel bin. Can't pin it, it's on the corner. How the fuck did that get into my room. It's so big. Where did it come from. How long has it been there, waiting, plotting. Throw a lid at it. It doesn't move. It stares me down with a look of pure evil. It knows it's faster than me. I throw another lid at it. It doesn't even flinch. Leap out of bed throw on some trousers, leap back into bed. It's still there. Leap out of bed, drag tv stand out the way, leap back to the bed. It's moving, oh my god oh my god oh my god. Grab bin. Try pin it. It's moving. Dance like the ground is on fire. It's under the bin. No it's not, what's that, that's two legs, oh that's just wrong, move the bin. It's out. Move the bin again. Got you you bastard. Run to the bathroom. Throw up. I can hear in the bin. Biting it's way through the metal, tap tap tap tap. It's going to get out, it's going to kill me in mysleep and use my body as a nesting ground to take over the world. It's going to eat me alive. Grab a blue folder. Slide it under. Oh god it's getting out move bin, move folder. Safe. Folder to weak. Find a book. Hard book. Slide book under and leap on the bed. Tap tap tap tap. Devil spawn. I feel sick. I am sick. Lift book place on balcony slam door shut. Don't want to leave it out there, don't want to set it free (it will chew through the glass and get back in). How long can I leave it there before it dies. Will it eat through the metal and attack me before it runs out of air? Oh god it's going to be pissed. I sit here now on my bed waiting, waiting for the war that will be my doom.
God I hate fricking spiders.
1. Matt
The title of this post is going to draw a lot of unwanted, pervy visitors to SDC, methinks.
Oh, and you’re a big girl.
Okay, so in SA there are Spiders that can kill you with a single nip, and will actually burrow into your brain and lay eggs and use your lifeless corpse as a “nesting ground to take over the world”, like in that film Arachnophobia.
But not in the UK. In the UK, there are no spiders in the wild that will do these things. There are no spiders that will poison, or even nibble on you a little bit. There are no spiders you can’t allow to walk on your skin without fear of death or any sort of harm coming to you.
In short, there are no spiders that you can’t pick up with your bare hand, and throw out the window.
You big girl.
2. Adrian
They can fashion knives with their legs and use them too kill you in your sleep.
Then they lay they eggs.
3. Nigel
You’ve either been reading Kafka or taking too much LSD
4. razorhead.myopenid.com
Throw up on the spider. Two problems solved.
5. Calista
Oh, holy mother! That is a huge spider…and this was in your room?!? In England???? I didn’t realize England made their spiders so large.
I totally sympathize with you :/ I hate spiders too.
6. The B
heh heh heh - are you and my flatmate secretly related?
7. Destructor
Oh, come on, don’t leave it to die in the bucket! Hold the bucket over the edge of your balcony, remove the folder and let it drop. It may not survive the fall, but even that is better than slowly starving in a bucket. And you think spiders are evil!
8. Adrian
I have no choice. If I leave it just on the balcony it can get back into the flat. If I try throw it over I’ll freak out and throw the dustbin over and kill someone.
Seriously arachnidphobic.
9. Ben Forrest
You absolute wimp… her downunder we have “common house hold spiders” i.e. huntsman that you have brush away with your hand… jeez man, harden up… a man with tats like you can’t be this pathetic surely…
http://www.amonline.net.au/factSheets/huntsman_spiders.htm
10. Adrian
With spiders, I am that big a wimp.
Sevitz doesn’t do spiders.
I’m fine around snakes and lions.
11. Peter
You should so make sure that Andrew Roberts reads this. He has had some spider experiences recently.
12. Destructor
Even if you do drop your dustbin off the balcony, I doubt you’ll kill anyone, since there is just more ceiling below your balcony. I suppose it’s a bit late now, but I seriously hope that spider is still alive when you take the bin off and crawls all over you.
13. Adrian
If it crawls over me I might throw myself off the balcony.
It’s me or the spider. Pick your loyalties you git.
14. Matt
I swear to god I’m going to find a spider just as big as that one and take a photo of me with it on my face, or in my mouth or something.
Just to prove I’m more of a man than you. And also stupider.
15. Adrian
Definitely one of the two …
16. Destructor
How is it ‘you or the spider’ when there is a perfectly feasible way for the spider to have been ejected off your roof whilst still alive, instead of cruelly starving it to death in a bin simply for the crime of existing? You’re the larger creature, it’s up to you to be magnanimous in victory.
17. Adrian
Look up phobia and get back to me.