Dear Mr RBEMO1
Firstly, let me thank you for the complement. I hate to be accused at doing anything half-heartedly, or not being complete at something.
I'm really sorry you had trouble getting out of your car. I myself simply climbed out of the passenger seat. See I didn't realise this was not an option for you. I assumed that is what you intended to do when you parked with your wheels over the white line2. I really wasn't aware that because you have chosen to purchase a really big expensive car, that this meant you actually get to take up the two best parking bays right by my lift doors.
I'll certainly be writing to the car park management firm and make sure they post signs to this affect so that other insignificant people like myself don't make life difficult for you and your more important car. I would hate for someone else to go through what I have, after reading your note and realise feeling sick that I had done this to you, causing such irreparable distress. I know I should have instead parked far away and carried my shopping some distance which any community minded person would really have done. I'm so thoughtless.
Normally I pride myself on parking directly in the centre of the bay. You know us people with less expensive cars, we have to find small pleasures where we can, not being part of the cool kids with big expensive cars. To my eye I was really spot on, directly half way between the two white lines, but if I was a few microns too close to your car, thereby causing your struggles in life (no less than I'm sure Ghandi and Mandela themselves had to contend with) I really do take the blame. Next time I'll make sure I'm not a selfish pig who thinks he can park in the middle of a bay near an expensive car that has rights to both bays.
Thanks ever so much for folding back my mirror and putting my windscreen wipers up so I knew the wrong I had done. This is far less punishment than I deserve and I really should be whipped with the wiper blades till I cry out for repentance. I should probably be made to drink windscreen washer fluid in place of beer for months too. I'm not sure I can really understand the depths of my wrongness with just the wiper blades placed in the air.
I beg of you kind sir, for those of us less humans, who sometimes don't understand, and who are mere apes amongst men such as yourself; could you please simply park directly in the centre of both bays next time. This will avoid us of below simian intelligence from making the mistake of parking near your car at all.
Yours truly in the humblest of regrets
Adrian - complete wanker - Sevitz
1 Really Big Expensive Mercedes Owner
2 And again further apologies if you are Green/White colour blind and were unable to see this. I would not want to be perceived as being discriminatory to a minority group, no insult intended.