Odd question really. I don’t think I have ever given a guy my number, nor has a guy ever asked for it. Arranged to meet up - yes, said where I was going to be - yes, various other things, but I cannot remember a time ever giving or taking a phone number. Is this a London thing? I would be freaked out by someone wanting my number - if they want my number, they’ll want to contact me, if they want to contact me, they must like me, if they like me, why not make an arrangement to meet, rather than doing an odd number thang?

Oh, I’m a girl by the way and I have worked my wiley charms in Germany and the UK (but not London).

Erm… Yes. And no. If you ask a girl for your number (or a boy for his number), you may be coming across as a potential stalker, imho. If someone offers their number, they want you to call them. If they don’t offer you their number, they don’t want to talk to you.

By extension, if you give someone your number, and they want to talk to you, they will ring you. If they don’t want to talk to you, they won’t.

It’s not exactly rocket science.

You would probably at some point then have to think about the kind of person who asks for a number and the kind of person who gives the number. I would personally see a man who gives me his number as arrogant and cocky, like they assume you’re going to call them (I probably wouldn’t).

So then you’ve got the guy who asks for your number. I see politeness in that, and it gives you the chance to be polite back (pleasantly surprised, or saying no, not your type).

So I guess then you get into the type of girl who would take the number and those who would give the number out… there are a lot of variables here. Suffice to say, if a girl gives you her number but doesn’t like you, probably isn’t the kind of girl you would want because she’s unable to stand up for herself and take control of the situation in a balanced way.

I’m rambling now… I should go finish off some FAQ’s or something.

Oh Jesus H bloody Christ. I can’t believe there are people are still tying themselves up in knots with ludicrous and proscriptive rules and regulations about who is supposed to do what to whom and when. I’m surprised after all this self-imposed dancing about anybody even has any time or energy to get laid at the end of it.

Here’s how it works for me, a girl. If I like someone, I give them my number. If they think I’m a ‘stalker’ or otherwise some shade of strange for doing so, I couldn’t give a fuck and quite honestly would feel relieved that I found out that they were a lunatic who played by the aforementioned absurd rules before I got involved.

If someone, a boy, gives me their number I may call it, I may not. The mere fact of them having been the one to pass the number isn’t likely to influence my decision to call them, fuck them, date them or anything else and I find women (or men) who would be influenced by this or has any rules regarding this in any way, stupid in the extreme.

There is nothing less sexy than someone who wont make a move without first checking what the opposite sex thinks about it.

I had no idea the mating rituals were so nuanced. I’m not exactly qualified to comment, but I feel fairly certain that asking a potential lover for their email address (or URL for that matter) is probably a Bad Thing.

(although I guess it would help with the pre-screening if it was psycobitch2000@hotmail.com—I’d never date anyone with a hotmail account)

You can think about what you like, dear. You can ponder the subtle nuances of the dating minefield and the various ways people behave for hours upon hours with any number of friends you like. I couldn’t give a toss, and in no way did my response indicate that I was directing my scorn towards either you or your real-life behaviour but towards those who actually do consider there to be such rules.

(If we are talking about throat jumping, however, the above instance of you assuming I was talking about you combined with a previous post by you in which you assumed that both I and Gordon, if I remember correctly, were criticising you and your friends behaviour in a club when we were talking about other people entirely would suggest you are much more sensitive on these issues than I. However, we are not.)

However if you are doing anything more than merely philosophically mulling over the best way to slip someone your number and would actually consider for a moment following any of anybody else’s insane and arbitrary rules than I am, I’m afraid, talking about you.

Well you got my point in a roundabout way Sevitz… What I was trying to say, was it you are the kind of person to ask for a number rather than give a number, by giving a number you may think yourself arrogant or out of character. That may come out in your body language and you become someone you’re not really…

I’m not going to apologise for thinking these things… an analytical mind can be a curse but it happens.

I am a girl (no kidding !). As always, this is a minefield and I would say that it completely depends on the situation. The problem is that if you like someone, it is very nice if they ask for your number, but if you do not like them, it is intrusive. So, chuck the rule book out of the window and play it by ear. (If you do end up setting up a second date, I believe it is fairly polite, and egalitarian, to swap both sets of numbers.)

It is more likely that they will call and accept a date invitation from you if you give them your number. I have a few reasons for believing this.

1) is exudes confidence. Arrogance is all in the delivery. Giving someone your number shows that you are comfortable enough with who you are and confident enough to approach someone. HOW you do it is where you get into th arrogance catagory. For example - strike up a conversation, smile, write your number in front of her on a napkin. If you just approach her with your number already written down or (the absolute worst) give her your business card, that just looks like you were interested in anything that came your way rather than interested in HER. I think the British call it “pulling”?

2) if a man asks for a woman’s number, she feels obligated to give him her number (or at least A number of some type) because otherwise SHE looks like a twit. Rather than putting her in an uncomfortable place, making her feel comfortable from the get-go is the best way to open dialogue and date potential.

3) you are more likely to get a call from her if you give her YOUR number, and less likely to end up calling a take-out restaurant or strip club by getting a number from her (I can’t tell you how many times I’ve given a man a wrong number)

4) (this might just be me, but I always felt this way) rather than force the woman to avoid all phone calls in order to ward off potential creepy guys who asked for her number, give her peace of mind and just give her yours. Serious paranoia can arise from unwanted calls from guys who you gave your number to, and that often will lead to a woman just giving out a fake number any time a man asks for it

5) it just makes someone look stalker-ish… you can find an address by having someone’s phone number, so you’re more likely to get a fake number or awkwardly be turned down because of that fear

6) even if you don’t get a call, and even if she has no intention of calling you, you’ve made her feel pretty/sexy/charming/interesting/etc. And while that might not lead to future benefits on your part, at least you’ve positively contributed to someone’s confidence.

I don’t think it’s about “control”. Yes, the woman is in “control” when you give her your number, I suppose, but I like to think of it more like you have made her more comfortable and helped her to feel confident about herself. That is the key to starting any relationship, dating or otherwise.

i’d rather be asked for my number than having to ask for their number.

if a guy gave me his number i’d would think he was pretty arrogant and/or confident (not necessarily a bad thing). however, some guy who i used to see at my previous work gave his number to one of my colleagues to give to me (moments after speaking with him) which was nice. i did send him a text.

Let me clarify matters. I do not think you are a fool following someone else’s ludicrous rules if you were merely ‘talking’ about how best to hand out your phone number and consider the whole issue an academic one never to be put into practice. It was the notion of the rules in themselves that I consider idiotic. If however you actually have or intend to take practical steps of one kind or another with regards to following any potential phone number distributing rule one way or another that may have resulted from the chat with your friends then yes Sevitz, you are an idiot.

I hope we are clear now.

Rules in dating, just like rules in everything else we create, exist because we made them and continue to exist because we feed them. I’m absolutely not denying that they exist, what I am denying and wish everyone else would too is their supreme power and inexplicable following amongst otherwise intelligent people. A large percentage of both men and women probably still think it’s ‘proper’ for a man to pay for dinner, but even if every single women I spoke to in the next month told me that was right I’d still be refusing to play along with it.

All accepted rules or behaviour based on perceived group attributes like this do is ascribe a certain mode of behaviour and response to men and women and drive the sexes even further apart because each think the other is some kind of alien species, their strange, foreign ways to be understood and mastered and that’s bollocks. Seeking understanding as to why a girl behaves in a certain way is admirable, looking to understand why ‘girls’ behave in a certain way is a fools errand; you surely don’t need me - or a opinion seeking post like this - to tell you that what might work with Crystal up there and her many and tortured reasonings (actually, you two sound quite alike…) could well just be met with a blank look from someone like me.

I am saying fuck those rules and not to base your behaviour or your appearance or anything else on what you think the opposite sex might like because doing so is divisive and don’t help anyone.

I would say: go with the flow. Which is not always easy! (even though by definition it should be). Something like:

Hey, do you fancy meeting up some time later? No? Ok, no problem. Yes? Ok great, shall I give you a call or do you want to call me? What’s that? You want to e-mail me from a HOTMAIL account???? Aaaaaarrrrrrrgh! Oh, you said you think I’m a hot male? Grandma’s chicken salaaaaaad :)

Male, UK

And next time I give out my number to a girl, I’ll give out a fake one (actually, maybe I’ll give out Adrian’s).

Isn’t this a built in problem of the whole US-Style-Dating thing? At the end of a date, assuming I liked the other person, I tend to ask if I can see them again and would probably expect something more solid than a phone number in reply.

Moo card. I don’t know many girls who like to give their number to strangers (and the more insistent they are the more likely the number will be a digit out when handed over)