Maybe I have a different idea of what's rude and what's not, I don't know.
Maybe I am just over sensitive to how I perceive the dynamic between girls and blokes should work.
Maybe I just don't understand women per say.
Probably a combination of all three.
Look I'm definitely not innocent. I've been guilty of being rude, a coward, a pig, a prick, a chauvinist, a bad date and a crappy boyfriend. More than once. But I tend to know I'm being a dick more or less when I am.
I had a conversation with a (female) friend of mine. Unrelated to anything, we just sort of meandered into it.
Apparently it's perfectly acceptable to ignore a date if it didn't go so well. And I don't mean disastrous where he throws up in your handbag, but just wasn't the one for you.
I mean come on, that's not only rude but mean.
I've had a few of those, where I actually thought the date went quite well (OK chalk me up for misguided or stupid but that's not what we are talking about). You then send a text/email/voicemail the next day saying you had a good time. Then nothing.
Then you wait. You go through a range of emotions from whilst you sit in this limbo land, until you realise you failed and she's uninterested at best and hates you at worst.
This limbo land pretty much is teh sucky. At first you are really excited and might even chat to your friends about it. They all reassure you she is busy preparing the ultimate email or text back. Eventually the sinking dread becomes apparent that it's a no go and you just settle into a shitty feeling of rejection.
I mean come on girls, for the most part, us guys have to suck it up and call you (or email) which actually isn't as easy as you think. We get nervous too, especially if we like you. We then take you out, (quite often pay for drinks or dinner) and if we're good, this takes a bit of planning for the right place and the right vibe.
The least you can do is a polite reply back. Or hell just any reply, something bland and non committal for a few texts then fade out. Anything has got to be better than nothing.
Or is it just me?
1. annie
‘it’s perfectly acceptable to ignore a date if it didn’t go so well.’ Rude is rude, if it’s a man or a woman, (but then I guess it is just a date, not an engagement or anything…)
‘I’ve been guilty of being rude, a coward, a pig, a prick, a chauvinist, a bad date and a crappy boyfriend…’ Maybe it’s karma then ;-)
2. Adrian
It might be karma, but then who hasn’t been guilty of having bad manners occasionally?
The problem with things like this (and I think I ranted a bit in the same way on my punctuality post (which incidentally I’ve never heard the end of every time I go out now)) is that rude behavior conditions people to think it’s ok.
So if everyone stops calling dates back then everyone gets conditioned to think thats what done, and suddenly it’s ok, even if there is a person on the other end wondering what the hell is going on.
Maybe I’m just to thin skinned.
3. Matt
What’s worse: being led on by an gently encouraging text and getting your hopes up even more than they were, only to be shot down, or just getting shot down in the first place?
I agree that a “sorry I’m not interested” text is worse than no text at all though.
4. Adrian
Oh shoot me down (everyone does) but at least don’t make me wait three days to figure I have been shot down.
And I’m not saying lead me on, a few bland dull texts that fade away means at least I’m not sitting around waiting for something.
And I’m saying a “sorry I’m not interested” text is better than no text. It’s like pulling the band aid off quickly rather than slowly.
5. Destructor
Dude, you sound like a girl from a 1980’s after-school special. “Why won’t he call me?” Maybe you’re not so much getting personal karma as karma for a century of men not calling women when they weren’t interested. You have to admit, men do this all the time. So it’s not really a misunderstanding of the women on your part, you’re just running into people who are too nice/cowardly to send you a mean text. All genders do it, not just women.
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6. Adrian
Right, but I’ve never heard it be claimed to be acceptable, as that “they’ll get the idea” is right.
And I’m not trying to sound like 1980s girl. Just saying that I think it’s wrong/rude.
7. Pete
What you should do is finish each date by saying “Well, this was a total waste of time. Good luck finding someone who likes you.”
Then, if she’s interested, she’ll think that you’re joking, and she’ll laugh and toss her hair &c.
If, on the other hand, she nods and goes “yeah, wasn’t it just” then you’ve just avoided three days of will-she-call.
8. Jack
Come on, it’s not a girl thing, people of both genders do it all the time. It may or may not be rude - the person doing it could be an asshole or without knowing your personal preference for having the plaster quickly ripped off may just somehow think they’re letting you down gently - but either way I think you might just need to toughen up a bit.
9. Adrian
Ok it might not be a girl thing but I don’t go on dates with guys so am speaking from my perspective.
Secondly, I’m just saying that surely if a guy (lets say me), calls you up blind, asks you out, takes you, buys you a few drinks, and texts you the next day to say he had a good time, and would like to see you again, at least you can do is give ONE fricking reply?
And if you don’t, surely I’m within my right to think you are rude. Not necessarily an arsehole but rude none the less.
10. Jack
“I don’t go on dates with guys”
Maybe you should try it. They might call you back.
Sure, you can think it’s rude if you like. Like I said it may well be, deliberate or otherwise. But people as a species are mean, cruel, stupid and selfish and if you lament their failure to do the decent thing every time and their non-calling always leaves you with a ‘shitty feeling of rejection’ then you’re taking it too much to heart. Stop analysing it and move on; if they’re that rude, you didn’t want to be with them anyway.
11. Adrian
I would try guys if I found them vaguely attractive. However for the most part the seem hairy and lacking in the breasts.
Stop analysing … surely you know me by now. I analyse, that’s what I do. As Dan says I might be incapable of love because I am so analytical.
Although that does go counter to me taking to much to heart. Although who doesn’t feel a bit shitty at rejection? No one likes to feel rejected? Do they?
But this blog isn’t in reference to any particular rejection, just me being astounded that simply “not calling” is actually considered to be ok, in the same way you might be astounded at a political decision or a newspaper article even though you know that’s probably the way things are.
12. nrgza
I don’t think you’re incapable of love - you’re a carer. Look how much you care about this!
I think it’s completely offsides not to call or text back. The existence of the perception that men do this all the time doesn’t justify it. Two wrongs, right?
13. TSP
This is a bit of a minefield. Technically, it is always polite to respond, even if in the negative. This does not apply to the rude, the crazy, the stalkerish. However, if the date has gone well for you but not so well for your companion, she may feel that she does not want to hear from you, otherwise she will be obliged to respond and continue something (even mere contact) which has no potential out of politeness. It happens in the reverse, although I do think that there is more of an onus on a guy to get in touch post a date in a conventional guy / girl scenario.
Two things.
One. I disclaim the above by saying that I think I am quite old-fashioned. I find it rude if a guy does not call following a date. Rude, but not unusual. I find it amusing when someone emails to say that they “don’t think it’ll work out” when you have had a single date that consisted of them talking about their ex-girlfriend. Amusing, though to the point. But in the considerable experiences of my friends, no call, text or email is not unusual. Just rude, but no obligation on their part to respond, either.
Two. From what I can tell, you are absolutely capable of love. It’s just that you need to find someone that you think deserves it.
And now, pass me a bucket.
14. Pete
Going off topic slightly here, I get the impression that you are putting too much pressure on yourself, Adrian.
I am not a relationship counsellor, but here’s my opinion. Your life could potentially pan out in one of millions of ways, but here are four basic categories that cover most scenarios:
Options 2 and 3 are obviously undesirable. But until you appreciate that option 4 is nothing to be afraid of, you won’t be relaxed enough to create an environment that nurtures the development of option 1.
You don’t need to think of every date as being your last shot at happiness.
15. Adrian
Pete,
You’re 100% right. I would say 110% right, but that’s not actually a technical possibility.
I would love 1. Not having 1 I seem to struggle with 4.
Knowing I would be better of as 4 doesn’t actually make it easier to flick the switch in my head to accepting being single as ok.
The fact is, I miss having someone to spend time with on a sunday (for example) when all my couple friends are spending time being couples with each other and I feel lonely. Sure I would be happier not feeling lonely and I would do better not letting the fact I know most of my friends are now coupled make me jealous. However that doesn’t actually help me not feel lonely, just knowing I should not feel lonely.
I know how my problem here is the emotions jealousy (of friends with and couples in general) and regret (at screwing up past relationships), which are causing the feelings about being single top be exaggerated and to feel worse.
I know that knowing this should help me deal with it. But I just seem to feel single. And I’m not so enjoying single.
Plus I’m a bloke and walking around outside and seeing girls I am attracted t, doesn’t help much either.
Anyway thanks, I appreciate the advice. I’ll try be less negative in my thinking, which it appears I’m quite good at.
16. Jean
I agree that not calling back/texting/emailing is rude. Therefore I always do respond. But I have gotten into situations where I am concerned that even responding at all can be construed as leading someone on. When really I am not sure how I feel about the person because I barely know them. How many dates of not being sure does it take to be stringing someone along?
17. ella
i cant imagine you calling anyone.