2 seconds in my head. (with apologies to Dan). Anyway it's more like 200 seconds inside my head, in about 5 different blocks. So it's actually about 20 minites inside my head, which is way to much for anyone, least of all me.
This could also be called two margaritas inside my head. Or later 2 bottles of wine inside my head.
We'll start with the two margaritas, between one time zone and another in by the gate in Chicago's O'Hare airport.
Hello
Yes the margarita is nice. Go for it chap.
Why is he talking to me?
Everyone is so friendly in America, it throws me off balance.
I bet he’s gay.
Don’t be so homophobic. You’re just saying that because he looks gay.
Well he is bald and talking to you.
You’re an idiot. What difference does it make?
None, but he’s going to Italy to be a chef and he is bald and looks gay.
Man these margaritas are strong.
How come I never get girls speaking to me? It’s always a guy.
Well if he is gay at least someone is attracted to you.
Shuddap.
Still it’s good conversation, and it’s a distraction from thinking about how much you are missing
Shuddup!
Seriously my gaydar is appalling. I can never tell if someone is gay anyway. Not like it matters.
Man these margaritas are really really strong.
Ah, he’s partner Kevin. I was right.
It shouldn’t make any difference.
It doesn’t.
So why are you mentioning it,
I’m not you are.
I’m you.
Oh yeah right.
Anyway it doesn’t make any difference beyond the fact that I feel bad for even thinking he might be gay even though he was.
Shit I have to go get through security. Now I’m going to look like some homophobic trying to get away from him.
No you’re not.
Well I have to go anyway.
... 5 mins later ...
Where should I sit.
Oh there is the girl who was on the flight in from Seattle. What are the odds.
Go sit next to her.
You pig
[Sits near to her]
[Asks if she was on the flight from Seattle]
[5 min conversation occurs]
[Friend returns]
[Conversation gets terminated]
Fuck. Damn. Go away. I was having a conversation. I never have conversations with girls who are not married or have boyfriends.
[Get out laptop. Start typing this]
[Girls start talking to me again so laptop rapidly shut down]
... 4 hours later ...
[2 small bottles of wine and a beer down]
Why are they calling my name. Maybe I’m being upgraded to first class.
Doubtful that never happens to you. I mean me.
[Turns out my luggage was about to be unloaded]
Back. Girls asking me about how the best way to get from Heathrow to Gatwick is.
[Discuss options]
Offer them a lift in your taxi. Your place is only like 2 mins fro Clapham J and the firm is paying.
No don’t that would only be sleazy.
It is probably the quickest way.
You’ll look like a slime bucket.
I’m just being nice.
[Bloke from bar earlier arrives, slap on the back and a comment about something]
[Turn back to girls still discussing how to get to Gatwick]
Man you see you are homophobic.
No I’m not, I would ignore my best mate to speak to a pretty girl.
Really?
Yeah, I’m that shallow. And not being able to get my mind off any chat with a girl is a pleasant distraction.
You’re pathetic. And homophobic.
Shuddup. I’m not. Now fuck off I’m talking to girls.
God you’re pathetic.
[Chat to girls further about getting to Gatwick]
[Lift offered (to Clapham J). Accepted. Phone the taxi firm to ask for a bigger car]
[Chatting.]
[Boarding call.]
[Walk up with girl still chatting. Get rejected (by airline) for bending boarding card in half. Lose girl. Wait]
[Get on plane, find seat]
What’s this?
It’s a cute girl on the other aisle seat.
Well that’s just typical. I bet there will be some bloke sitting between us.
Undoubtedly.
[Start chatting]
[Flight takes off, with no bloke sitting between us]
[Still chatting]
Wow.
Yeah, what are the odds.
This never happens.
8 Years of flying and this is the second time that you have had a conversation with a girl. Make the most of it because it I’ll be another 8 years before you have one again and then you’ll be 38 and no chance.
Shuddup. I hate you.
I’m just, like, you know, saying.
[Chatting continues for ages]
Wow your still chatting. I would have thought you would have blown it
I’m just chatting.
Yeah whatever.
Stop mentioning, it's your not helping your case.
I cant help it.
No wonder you cant get over
Shuddap.
[More chatting]
[Girl mentions boyfriend.]
Well aint that just typical.
I’m just chatting.
Still she is cute. Why do they always have to have boyfriends.
She’s just 21 anyway, what do you have in common.
Who cares. You’ve chatted to 3 girls tonight (and a gay bloke)
Homophobe.
Get off it.
Well you are.
Am not. Anyway, at least you haven’t thought about
Well am now.
[More chatting]
[Girl goes to sleep]
Well I suppose if you take their email address, they might have a friend who is single and you could
You know isn’t the value just in chatting to people.
It is if you want to be pathetic.
Shuddup.
I’m going to sleep.
Postscript:
- Girls going to Gatwick declined my offer of a cab in the morning and took the train. I gave them my email address if they ever came to London to visit (they were studying in France)
- Girl sitting next to me rushed off to get her connecting flight to Spain. She was however studying in London. I gave her my email address too.
- I think the gay bloke was on a later flight. I didn't give him my email address
1. Green Fairy
Studding in France, eh? In that case you’re lucky they even had the energy to talk to you… ;)
2. Gordon
Wow. Of all the options I was never offered the possibility of “studding in France”.
(now, how pissed off are you that we are focussing on a typo rather than the thought process that occupy your head!!! lol)
3. Tot
….chatting to a “loose” girl and still nothing happened??
4. Adrian
Ahem
Sigh
Typos corrected.
5. Destructor
Are you sure this wouldn’t have read better as an enormous jpg?
6. Julius
Yes, my head is like that too, some of the time, except with added circus music. You are not alone. But you are homophobic. ;-)
7. Matthew
I can’t imagine the size of jpeg required to get all of that onto it Dan. But yeah, it would definitely read better that way. Especially if some of the text was upside down, yeah?
8. Adrian
Exactly what text do you want to see upside down?
9. Gert
When you’re 38 you should be offering your services as toyboy to women over forty. At least you’ll get a great shag. Where you’re going wrong is going for younger women…
10. Matthew
Some of it upside-down… like this. Artistic, non? Or is it upside down coz he’s a kiwi, and he’s actually upside down all the time he’s in the UK?!?!? And the rest of it is upside down to him?! The mind boggles.
Anyhoo, were this post an enormous jpg, it would have been cool had a bit of it been upside down. Possibly.