Somethings affect you more than you would think. Somethings that you know and expect and have heard every year since September 1998.
As you probably are aware, you haven't been promoted. You have been rated average for the year.
I've got so used to that, that the vague reason I get given doesn't even bother me anymore. Or so I would think, but since hearing that I've been noticeably more aggressive (a sign of me getting depressed) and have been growing progressively more depressed.
What makes it harder is watching friends and colleagues getting promoted. All whom deserve it. It's hard to be happy for people when their success makes you feel like a complete and absolute failure.
The first year it happens you don't mind so much. Cause like not everyone makes it first time right. The next year it happens it's bit harder to take, but the markets tough and it's harder than it was the last year. Five years later, you just want to cry.
Their is always a reason. But the reason changes, and you are no longer sure if it's because the firm hasn't put you in the right roles anymore of if you are actually shit. At some point as a combination of the two, you no longer have the skills you should have built, and everyone has passed you by.
When everyone you are working for is starting to get younger than you. When people who were in university when you had been working for three years. When people who worked for you last time they got promoted. when you can list over 20 to 30 people who have been promoted while you have sat at the same level for 5 years.
It's hard not to view yourself as a failure.
Especially when most of those people you know quite well. And you know they deserve it. If they deserved it, then surely you didn't. You can only believe the company wasn't giving you the right opportunities for so long before you start realising you might actually be shit.
In horse racing you don't back the horse that never wins. At some point you have to realise that if everyone else is suddenly 5 years ahead of you, you've gone wrong.
There was a time I was really arrogant and thought I was smart and good and would go really far. That was 5 years ago.
Now I accept I don't deserve to be promoted.
[Update] Since crying in the office is normally a bad move, I suggest running for a meeting room and lying on the floor in the dark. I haven't cried like this since it ended with Lexy. I can't believe how weak and useless I am. Who would promote someone who cries like a child anyway. Somethings affect you more than you would think. I'm so pathetic it annoying.
1. Roger
Dude, we need to go and get seriously drunk sometime…
2. heppy
i feel for you, i really do but you can’t think that you don’t deserve it because then you get into all that self fulfilling prophecy shit and it’s just not worth it.
one of my best friends tells me that if you want change to come you’ve got to implement it yourself and there are three things to accomplish.
change partner (which i guess you’ve already accomplished or at least you’re in a position to do so)
change where you live
change your job
those three things, if achieved, make you a happier bunny.
it probably sounds like it’s all impossible right now, but get two sorted and the third will follow.
i don’t know you, but i like your writing and your site and no-one deserves to feel shit.
i felt the same way a couple of weeks ago over a girl i’d met who i got on brilliantly with and she told me that she really liked me and then spent two weeks ignoring my calls and not calling when she said she would.
i spent a half day crying, being miserable, got a semi shit case of bells palsy, felt suicidal.
then she called and apologised for being out of touch and i’m seeing her sunday.
so no matter how shite life looks, it will usually get better.
anyway.
chin up.
simon
3. jen
these things are so subjective — although you can’t help them getting to you, try not to see it as a failure on your part. The way the game is played these days, as I see it from a Human Resources perspective, is that you work one place for a couple of years, move somewhere else for more money, then a couple of years move back to the original company at 20K (probably 15K GBP) more and a promotion. It’s sad but the squeaky wheel gets the grease and the hardworking wheel gets to work some more.
4. jen
PS sometimes your current company will counteroffer to match the salary the new job is offering you to make you stay. It’s called squeezing blood from a stone.
5. Lisa
What the heck is wrong with crying? It means you’re human - nothing wrong with that in the least. Jobs can make us really miserable sometimes, but there’s got to be something else out there for you that that won’t be so demoralising. Chin up, ducks. x
6. Dragon
Dude - you want to be like me - a man with no ambition or desire to get promoted.
Yeah, anyway, I realise that isn’t the most helpful comment but the first draft involved automatic assault rifles so it’s probably a little more constructive.
Did someone say something about a drink?
7. matthew
Somebody please buy that man several million pints IMMEDIATELY. If not sooner.
8. Alli
4 years working my ass off in the stock market — and I’ve been passed over for the woman that my boss has a crush on repeatedly. Believe me I know the crying at work, throwing yourself on a ground maneuver better then most people.
Personally I’m taking the “change jobs” way out.
9. shift+e
Besides the fact that your wanker employer cannot see the obvious and give you the promotion, responsibility and raise you deserve, perhaps you should remember that they cannot even find a place for myself within their hallow halls.
Grab some mates [I wish I could be there], go out and get shit-faced and then once the hangover wears know that there are those of us who are very aware of what you are capable of, just how good you are at what you do and don’t get stressed out by those things that you have no control over. I have a feeling you could try as hard as you wanted and deliver far more than expected but your reviewer would feel exactly the same way!
10. Tot
Adrian - everyone knows you have some real talent, are articulate and have a lot of great ideas (you are currently taking up about 50% of my work time arguing through them!).
I think you are just in the wrong place. Perhaps with your new visa status you should take the advice of the above contributors and find an employer who will appreciate your skills!
How about Google? They will need something to spend their soon-to-be-obtained 2 Billion on, how about a hefty payrise for you to start (-:
11. Vanessa
Hey Adrian I am sending you lots of positive thoughts.
12. Karen
Okay, with my management hat on, and my typical consultant’s lack of detailed knowledge of the situation, I give you two possibilities.
The company you work for doesn’t recognise you for promotion for some personal or cultural reason - basically, someone up there doesn’t like you. If this is the case, then they are the wrong employers for you. Get out fast.
You genuinely don’t give them the level of performance they are expecting. BUT if this is the case, they should be providing the appropriate support, training, mentoring, or whatever you need to help you to achieve that level of performance. If they are not geared up to do this, then they are the wrong employers for you. Get out fast.
Don’t give me a list of reasons why you can’t. If you want advice on your CV, email it to me. If you want a list of IT agencies in your area, I can tell you where to get one. If depression is making you aggressive, channel your aggression into something positive, and pull yourself out of the pit.
You have lots of friends who will give you support and buy you beer, but you’re the only person who can make the necessary changes. You know this.
13. JP
Crying about something you care about isn’t pathetic, in my humble book, and certainly nothing to be ashamed of in any way.
Obviously do not know much about your working life etc, but I hope it works out for you.
14. yuvy
Adrian,
Everybody’s advice here is great - my 2 cents worth:
To effectively get promoted, you must either: a) go up the corporate ladder by moving to a new job b) Aggressively campaign within the current job
In other words: 1) Don’t ever expect your company to realize you’re doing a good job - if you don’t promote yourself in the 6 months leading to appraisals (via forwarding letters of thanks from your clients, letting them see you working late a few nights and making a big deal of it) they’re not going to have you in mind 2) Your superiors will screw you over as long as they know they can get away with it - so if you don’t complain, year after year, after year. They know they can get away with it (and if you explode one year and go to a different place - they can easily justify it as you being unstable and not showing any indication) a) that means that you should voice your discontent/ and ambitions towards more managerial positions b) you need to play the politics game (whether you like it or not) c) NEVER threaten to leave until you’re ready to do it - making a threat and not backing it up with action looks pathetic (i.e. have gone to a few interviews and need to give a final answer)
Most of the people I know in my big (10,000 employee) company got promoted by being passed over a few years, then learning the politics required to campaign for themselves OR they had a much lower ranking job elsewhere, promoted themselves grandly on their resume and landed in a much higher position which they (lied) said they were experienced at.
Hope this helps - for now, don’t get mad (even though you’ve every right to be pissed at those life-sucking bastards who don’t appreciate you), plan your future steps…
15. Francesca
Adrian -
What a lousy situation. Again, I come late to the comments, and what I wanted to say has pretty much already been covered. I am not in a dissimilar situation but have been moved around a couple of times in order to find a better fit. Ultimately, however, if you do everything which is expected of you (as defined by your role and by your previous assessment), and you are still not promoted, then something is wrong with the company. It is absolutely not you.
The problem comes if you enjoy working there. It is much harder to leave if you are comfortable. But working hard for little or no recognition hurts, and you deserve better.
16. Destructor
I don’t really have any useful ‘advice’, per se, but I will say that, as bad as things get, you will always be far more successful than me. I should be depressed to think that YOU’RE depressed, despite achieving more success at 29 than I will ever achieve overall.
But I’m not depressed, I’ve got a good flat, money enough to drink myself silly whenever I please, good mates, yourself included, and a great family. Depression arises from looking at what you don’t have, rather than what you do. I’d kill for your talent and position and assets. Just keep trying as hard as you have been, and be grateful for what you have in the meantime- we’re all in the top ten percent, baby.
d
17. Gordon
Feck, missed this one on Friday.
I’ll back up what Karen says, and I have to disagree with the ‘learn the politics’ advice. If you work in a company that relies on internal office politics you are working for the wrong company (IMHO).
Each to their own mind you.
Anyhoo, use this as a catalyst. It will make you stronger, but never ever forget that sometimes you just need to cry.
Take care of you.
18. Karen
On the contrary, I think you do have to play the politics in order to get on. You have to know, at the least, who you can trust (and usually err on the side of caution).