Somethings affect you more than you would think. Somethings that you know and expect and have heard every year since September 1998.
As you probably are aware, you haven't been promoted. You have been rated average for the year.
I've got so used to that, that the vague reason I get given doesn't even bother me anymore. Or so I would think, but since hearing that I've been noticeably more aggressive (a sign of me getting depressed) and have been growing progressively more depressed.
What makes it harder is watching friends and colleagues getting promoted. All whom deserve it. It's hard to be happy for people when their success makes you feel like a complete and absolute failure.
The first year it happens you don't mind so much. Cause like not everyone makes it first time right. The next year it happens it's bit harder to take, but the markets tough and it's harder than it was the last year. Five years later, you just want to cry.
Their is always a reason. But the reason changes, and you are no longer sure if it's because the firm hasn't put you in the right roles anymore of if you are actually shit. At some point as a combination of the two, you no longer have the skills you should have built, and everyone has passed you by.
When everyone you are working for is starting to get younger than you. When people who were in university when you had been working for three years. When people who worked for you last time they got promoted. when you can list over 20 to 30 people who have been promoted while you have sat at the same level for 5 years.
It's hard not to view yourself as a failure.
Especially when most of those people you know quite well. And you know they deserve it. If they deserved it, then surely you didn't. You can only believe the company wasn't giving you the right opportunities for so long before you start realising you might actually be shit.
In horse racing you don't back the horse that never wins. At some point you have to realise that if everyone else is suddenly 5 years ahead of you, you've gone wrong.
There was a time I was really arrogant and thought I was smart and good and would go really far. That was 5 years ago.
Now I accept I don't deserve to be promoted.
[Update] Since crying in the office is normally a bad move, I suggest running for a meeting room and lying on the floor in the dark. I haven't cried like this since it ended with Lexy. I can't believe how weak and useless I am. Who would promote someone who cries like a child anyway. Somethings affect you more than you would think. I'm so pathetic it annoying.