Ok a slightly less emotional post than Friday. I want to thank everyone for their advice and comments. I'm taking it all on board.
- No matter how acceptable it is these days to cry, even if you are a bloke, lying on your back under a desk in a dark meeting room crying is somewhat undignified. Not my proudest moment.
- It has been been pointed out to me that the flood of emotion might be more than just work and related to other things like the break up as well. No doubt this is true to some level, and their have been a lot of things playing on my mind.
- When you view failure as not being successful, and when you cannot view not being promoted for 5 years as successful, you can only see what you have (or haven't) achieved as failure.
- Although I knew I hadn't been promoted and knew I wasn't going to be, what I didn't know was that a close friend of mine was going to be. He was very much surprised by this too. Thatâ€™s what triggered off the flood of emotion, as he worked for me last time he got promoted. Since then I haven't advanced at all and he is now above me. Being in the position of possibly landing up working for friends of mine, who once worked for me is a very difficult thing for me to cope with.
- After a while it's very hard to differentiate the reason why. It's such a combination of circumstance, poor decisions, bad luck, politics, wrong roles and a poor market that it's very hard to identify the single cause. It's very frustrating and makes it harder to correct.
- I think I'm good at some stuff. But I am no longer sure. How do you evaluate your true skill? Surely people 'good at the web' are dime a doze these days.
- Working for a big consulting firm institutionalizes you somewhat in the same way being an inmate at a prison does. It's not quite as easy to leave as one might think.
- I am initially going to make inquires with two contacts I have outside the firm as well as have a frank and honest conversation with my career councillor who is fantastic. If none of these three things have satisfactory outcomes, then I'll take the next step from there.
- I used to be very arrogant and cocky and aggressive and ambitious work wise. This has been beaten out of me. I want that back again. I want to do good work again. I want to be successful.
- For me, work defines who I am to some degree. I spend more time at work than anything else in a year. Being successful at this is important to me. Being recognised and appreciated for being good at this is important to me. Not everyone is defined by what they do, but I partly am.
The friend who got promoted I was invited to go for dinner to on Friday. I cancelled because I was unable to show happiness for his good achievement due to my own unhappiness at feeling like a failure. After I cancelled, he phoned me to say how important it was to him that I came. This is what triggered the flood of emotion and the crying. After hanging up on him abruptly and running away to find a dark room, I got this in an email
Please come tonight - you're amongst friends who know more of what you're about than Accenture and it's procedures ever will.
I was thinking as I walked to his place that I'm going through a midlife crises. I'm turning 30, am 10kgs overweight, have just lost my relationship and my career in my eyes is where it should have been 5 years ago. Surely I should be out buying a Harley and getting a tattoo.
[Update] Ordered friday, arrived today.