Only slightly worse then Vogon poetry.
An ode (to cats) by Adrian Sevitz.Oh cats,
you evil little fuckers,
you make me feel,
like I want to die,
not for one day
not for two
but for three or four days
that's really crap.Oh cats,
you evil little rats,
you make me want,
to claw out my eye.Oh cats,
you evil little satan's spawn,
you make my throat,
and nose,
and skin
crawl
literally.Oh cats,
I hope you die.
Every last one of you little bastards.
And I’m sure they love you too.
Not worse than that of Nancy millstone Jennings, 37 Wasp villas, Green bridge, Essex, England; who was (before the destruction of the Earth) known as writer of the worst poetry in the universe?
That’s open to debate. I would say marginally better that Nancy Millstone Jennings.
Oh yes, I can see Stacey being excited about this prose! I’d say the incredibly miniscule chance you may have had, just went out the window.
The evil little soul leechers have brainwashed your darling wife, Simon … she went over to the dark side a long time ago.
oh my …. that’s just wonderful.
what the fuck did the little bastards do to you ?
They try continually to kill me. They will not stop till I am writing around on the floor in my death throes.
Today it’s using biological weapons (cat hair), tomorrow I suspect thermo nukes.
You must have been a real bastard to a cat in a past life… and this is their revenge.
Hey the little feline Beelzebubs started it not I.
When I was like 8 or something I found a stray cat in the neighbourhood. I picked it up and carried it to every one of the 47 houses in the neighbourhood asking if it was theirs.
My eyes swelled shut to the point I couldn’t see. My through closed up just enough to let me live but be miserable. I was nothing but a gentleman to cats.
Till they started trying to kill me that is.
It’s hardly a cute little kittys fault that your genes are deficient. I’m allergic to cats as well, but that hasn’t stopped me from owning three, and going to Hydra (an Island you should avoid, Adrian) specifically so I can roll around in the legions of cats that live there.
Plenty of water in my tap! Harden up ow!
d
I’m not a dog person per say. I don’t mind dogs. They don’t try kill me.
But when you get right down to it, unless they’re tiny catDogs, if a dog sets his mind to taking a bite out of you (and this is highly likely given the incomprehensible workings of their primitive minds), you’re kind of in trouble.
A cat, on the other hand, even if they aren’t a very nice cat, will probably leave you alone. Even if you go and pick them up and they scratch and bite you, the damage is (provided you don’t bring them up to eye-level) usually limited to minor skin damage.
This, opposed to when dogs attack, often tearing off arms and stealing babies. This is why dags are used to guard things and cats are used to sit around looking all cute and superior like they know something you don’t.
d
Just saw this post. Ironic, especially after what I wrote in my blog !
I know you are not a cat lover, but hey. Pets are pets, and it hurts to lose them.
Dan, cat’s have brainwashed you. They look cute. then they slit your throat with a switch blade when you are not looking.
Fran, it hurts more to loose me.
d: The difference is that even if a cat happens to be a nice cat it’ll still leave you alone. A dog can be your best friend. A cat will use you for tummy rubs and back scratches… but when you’re in your time of need he’ll be out getting his end away with the skanks in the alley.
Perhaps you were a mouse in a former life?
I agree with you Sevitz. I am having some trouble with these 2 cats who believe me to be their friend and frequent my garden. So what i do is i make like Im their friend, and then pour a whole lot of cold water on them. Ha Ha Ha (evil laugh)….
I like my best friends in people form. It always boggles my mind when people say a dog is a man’s best friend. What does it say about a man if his best friend is a mindless slobber machine that’s been conditioned to hang around him by pavlovian training?
I like the selectiveness of a cat. It makes you feel like the time they spend with you is more precious. Dogs are affection whores, doling it out to whoever holds out thier hand and says: “Who’s a big doggie?” in baby-talk.
d
And as for getting his end away in the alley, well, there’s always a cure for that - snip!
The kitten population of our suburb was decimated after we chopped off poor Ramius’ dingly-danglies.
d
“Dogs are affection whores, doling it out to whoever holds out their hand and says: “Who’s a big doggie?” in baby-talk.”
You say that as if it’s a bad thing.
I do no such thing! A dog’s pathetic eagerness to slobber their unconditional love all over everyone and anyone they encounter is one of their best characteristics (certainly better than their eagerness to bite you in the crotch).
I’m just saying that cats are a little more discerning, which is one of their best characteristics.
d
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